Inside Out

…ongoing selection of works out of my own inner universe…

[click on any picture to start gallery slide view]

“State of Mind” – ink pen on paper, 30x40cm, 2022
“Boxed” – ink pen on paper, 21x21cm, 2021
“Stretch Marks” – ink pen on paper, 28x21cm, 2021
You are stretching and stretching to reach any goal
Eventually something will snap and you fall
Again you stretched yourself too far
Leaving you marked with yet another scar
Back in the safety of your shell you recover
Knowing the next stretch will only be tougher
But by avoiding the stretching due to the risk
You would never get anything done, as it is…

“Insufficient Speech” – ink pen on paper, 21x28cm, 2021
As a child I was evaluated by teachers and therapists to be gifted with a talent in languages. That’s really funny, given that my words – spoken or written – mostly feel like insufficient attempts to express myself somehow to others. Often it feels like words are never quite right, not enough, no matter which language.
And than there are moments when my personal thoughts-to-words translation matrix is not responding at all. It is all clear in my mind, an entire freaking universe, but the ability to translate any of those images and concepts into speech is temporarily out of order. This can be especially annoying whenever I want to or have to explain myself to someone for whatsoever reason, because in those cases I’m often not even able to make any sense out of the words spoken to me, it all just sounds like gibberish.

“Hanging On” – ink pen on paper, 28x21cm, 2021
…hanging on, surrounded by the void of uncertainty, clenched on a thinning rope. Trying everything to avoid the questions, how long the rope or my hold onto the same will last. Just holding on, while waiting for new medical test results…

“Steroid Hangover” – ink pen on paper, 28x21cm, 2021
…apparently it makes no difference in taking prednisone over some months or just a few days, the aftermath is still the same when quitting. One week of total hormonal turmoil, like a temporary compressed deep depression experience. No grounding technique helps, one just has to hang on somehow until it’s over, trying not to end up banging one’s head against the wall. Definitely not an experience I want to repeat…

“Processing Error” – ink pen on paper, 28x21cm, 2021
Based on a conversation about how it feels to deal with bureaucracy while experiencing brain fog and fatigue:
Imagine you have to fill an important form, but you are unable to process, to make any sense of what you see, nor make the necessary connections in your mind needed to fill the form. You feel like your synapses responsible for cognitive skills are all curled up like black marbles resting in jelly. You stare at the form and it just stares right back at you, turning into a frightening monster. The pen supposed to fill it turns into a weapon too heavy for you to wield…

“Invitation to Dance” – ink pen and pencil on paper, 28x21cm, 2021
…and the dragon whispers in my ear:
“Come and dance with me
In the deep sea of your phantasy”
I always follow the dragon, because reality often is like playing battle chess with dice on a twisted board…

‘Wings’ – beer coaster cuts and acrylics on canvas board, 40x30cm, 2021
‘Going Down, Going Up, …or Being Stuck’ – beer coaster cuts and acrylics on canvas board, 60x40cm, 2020
‘Hug’ (sold) – beer coaster cuts and acrylics on canvas board, 60x40cm, 2020
‘Fish Bowl’ – beer coaster cuts and acrylics on canvas board, 40x30cm, 2020
“Parley” – ink pen and pencil on paper, 30 x 42cm, 2020
…imagine the roof of your house is brittle and your ceiling threatens to fall down and crush you. You call the handyman, but all he can do is ripping out your windows and doors, using them to support your ceiling for a while longer. That leaves your interior open for wind, weather and all kind of invasions. To patch up the holes in your walls where windows and doors used to be, you only have a roll of duct tape and a few sheets of bubble wrap.
This is exactly how it feels taking the immunosuppressant Methotrexate to treat an inflammatory autoimmune disease.
I can continue to be angry with the handyman for the bad work, feeling like poisoning myself, but it will lead to nothing. There is no better option yet. It’s time to make peace:
Dear Methotrexate,
what about a peace treaty? I will stop calling you bad names and you in return don’t drown me in your side effects too much? Do we have a deal?

“Thorny” – ink pen and pencil on paper, 28 x 21cm, 2020
“Fatigue” – ink pen on paper, 21 x 28cm, 2019
‘Fatigue’ (or ‘Extended Cuddle Time’, as the cat calls it) The cat: “From cat’s perspective you are totally fine. You doze all day on several cushioned perches across house and garden, when your human comes home from work he cuddles and feeds you, you love snuggling and hiding beneath warm blankets. Besides, since you are on that poison you call ‘medicine’ you shed like a Persian special breed and leave through the front door only for occasional vet/doctors visits.”
…ok, I declare myself a Persian cat. I can live with that…

“Balancing Act” – ink pen on paper, 30x42cm, 2019
…I strongly believe it’s just a matter of finding the right balance to juggle safely everything what life throws at us. At least on some days.
On other days I just want to believe…

“Tears of Grief” – oil and acrylics on canvas, 76x102cm, 2019
On our tears of grief
you are sailing away
leaving a plain of slash and burn
in the garden of our lives
May our tears of grief
extinguish the fire
water the wasteland
so that can grow and thrive
what you have gifted us from your wonderful nature in your lifetime

“Close To The End” – Ink pen and pencil on paper, 42x30cm, 2019
…the moment I looked into his eyes and realized, he was close to the end. The last days of my beloved father…

‘Rebuilt’ – beer coaster cuts and acrylics on canvas, 100x120cm, 2019
“Restrictions” – ink pen on paper, 42×29.7cm, 2018
“Inflammatory Pain” – ink pen on paper, 28x21cm. 2018
Self Honesty – colour pens on black paper, 28x42cm, 2017

“In The Shell” – pencil and soft pastel on paper, 59.4x42cm, 2017
…retreated in a shell
curled up
in safety
…only when the breath stops bubbling out
the shell turns from safety into prison
and there will be just another ghost in the shell…

“Character” – acrylics on canvas, 100x70cm, 2017
Time To Recreate – ink on paper, 21x28cm, 2016
“Stoned” – ink pen on paper, 28x21cm, 2016
…he was told a stone can not feel pain
So he turned into stone.
What he was not told:
A stone can not feel hope and love either…

Teatime With A Cold – ink pen on paper, 28,5x30cm, 2014
Actress and Fans – ink pen and pencil on paper, 28,5x30cm, 2014
“Selfie” – water colour pens on paper, 59,4x42cm, 2014

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